AMA: My Children Can’t Play Together

“I feel like I’m at a loss here. I have two kids, and they can’t play together for more than 5 minutes without one or both of them becoming upset. My older one is very passive, and my younger is “his way or the highway”. Every time they play together, even when I think it is all going well, one of them gets upset. Usually, my older one agrees with the younger one’s game just to keep the peace, but I can see in his face he is not happy. Or if the older one says no to the game, the younger one will scream and tell the older one off. I really wish they could get along. What can I do?”

I feel for you. I had a similar scenario when my two kids were younger, and I wished they could be friends sometimes.

Teaching them both the different communication styles (passive, aggressive and assertive) is an excellent place to start. It sounds like they both need to be more assertive.

Encourage them to use “I” messages to express what they want from each other without being disrespectful.

I feel [state the feeling]…
when you [describe the action]…
because I [say why].
I want/need or would like you to [say what would make things better].

Example

I feel sad when you scream at me because it makes me think you don’t like to play with me. I would like you to use your kind voice when we are playing.

You can use the Your “I” Message printable to help your child develop assertive communication.

If you are interested in working on your child’s communication and boundaries, you may want to consider our ASSERTIVENESS Value Guide.