AMA: My Daughter Has Become Withdrawn
“My daughter is ten. She used to be very social and have a good group of friends. Since we moved states, she became withdrawn. She is happy to go to school but is not interested in any extracurricular activity, birthday parties or playdates. She says the kids don’t like her, but they all seem very friendly and nice to me. They always invite her to do things, but she always says no. I know it was hard for all of us to move, but it has been six months and she is not adapting. What should I do?”
Life changes are hard for everyone. It can take time to adapt. However, we want the best for our kids and we want to see them happy. It must break your heart to see your little girl struggling to make friends.
A typical reaction of parents and children is to try to avoid the cause of the anxiety. However, avoiding situations is only a “band-aid” solution, and often makes things worse. It’s essential to help kids identify and challenge negative thoughts that are feeding their anxiety.
1. ACKNOWLEDGE.
Allow your child to feel the feeling. Saying things such as “Your friends are very nice. You should go to the party” will only make your child feel inadequate. Instead, try saying “I can see this situation (describe the situation) is making you feel anxious/worried. Could you tell me what is going through your mind right now?”
2. IDENTIFY AND CHANGE UNHELPFUL THOUGHTS.
Often, we feel fear because our thoughts predict failure and tell us to expect the worse. We trick ourselves into believing that things will go wrong, and we won’t be successful. This can happen in two ways:
Fortune Telling
The fortune-teller in our mind thinks they know what will happen:
“If I go to the party nobody will talk to me.”
“If I invite someone to come to my house, they will say no.”
Mind reading
Our mind reader thinks they know what everyone is thinking:
“They are inviting me because they have to. They don’t really like me.”
“They think I’m different because I’m not from this town.”
Identify with your child what kind of thoughts she is having and ask her to put her thought to the test. What are the chances that her predictions will happen? Start with something small and build up from there.
You can use our THINKING TRAP printable to explore your child’s predicting thoughts.
If you are interested in working on your child’s fears, you may want to consider our BRAVERY Value Guide.
